the land of thai

I'm going home, well home to me in many ways. I'm leaving for Thailand this Sunday. I'm super excited. This week has been such a blessing, I've booked lots of massages, shot a wedding,have done tons of editing and such, but I'm loving it. I would happy doing this the rest of my life. Love!

a glorious something

I feel so good. A little sad, but good. I have clarity, peace, and I finally let go. It wasn't easy. I loved. But I know that God has greater plans and things for me. I am excited to see how he will fufill the desires of my heart. He will.

For so long I was holding on, hoping, waiting, confused, defending, justifiying, playing it over in my mind, fooling myself. This is the truth. It wasn't meant to be. This dosen't mean that it wasn't beautiful, or that time it was wasn't some of the best of my life, it just means that it ends here. OOOhh I thought it would be different, but I am so filled with gratitude and thanfulness of how things played out. Thank you Jesus for your protection, even from things unseen. Thank you.

I'm moving on, and I'm not looking back.

Montreal is like a dream. I love it, I love my school, class, my teacher. I am loving this experience. It's the best place for me to be. My heart is full and thankful.

I just took a walk/run in the rain to buy some bagels from fairmount bagels. The best. I ate two. shhhhhhh! They are so tasty and my belly is full.

Thank you Jesus. You did restore. You are restoring, you are restoring my heart. I am becoming whole again, and more and more like who I was created to be.

Welcome back, Anita.

Here's to what is next, a glorious something.

alright. i didn't think it would come to this, but I don't know what to do.

I have to let go. I've never known pain as this.

I release you.

I'm done.

I quiet trying.

I only wish you the best, from the depths of me.

goodbye my love.

-anita

you never showed

I just took a much needed walk. Montreal is a wonderful city to walk in. Bicycle and walker friendly indeed.

You never called.

Or wrote.
.
My heart was waiting for today. For something, anything. I didn't expect anything, but really I did. I thought you would at least stick to your word, and maybe just say hello. \\

I sat on my bed and cried for a few hours. But then I thought, here I am in this beautiful French city, I'm going for a walk. And I did just that.

I bought a cappuccino. It tastes nice, but it doesn't take the pain away.

Wishing you the best,

Au revoir & ciao.

montreal bound

tomorrow. I feel very blessed, and excited about this new adventure, and new chapter in my life.

sufjan stevens - come thou fount of every blessing

i'm ready for fall

I love the fall. The crunchy leaves, the colors, the smells, the feelings.

I love the mornings, and the evenings.
Hot apple cider makes it wonderful. I'm ready for fall.

are you?

hair color

I think I will be single forever. Although, it is not my desire. I don't know why I think this way. This year has been lonely and confusing. I'm looking at my hair, and I have tons of gray hair. No joke. My great-grandmother was completely gray by the time she was 28, and my grandmother, and mother in their 30's. Do I care? Well not really, but here's to looking at 25. Okay, so it does bother me. I account this grayness to genetics and life.

I'm brewing some chamomile tea to seep my hair in. {I've done this before, on another whim} It's supposed to cover gray. I think I'll use some sage from the garden too. I'm done with hair dye. I've dyed my hair all kinds of colors, some good, some bad. It's damaged my hair, and almost 2 years ago I began to grow out the color to be Natural. This year it is completely natural. Well once I finally have natural hair color, I turn gray. Fancy that. It is what it is.

Just waiting for my tea to cool....

be glorified

Father,

I came and bow down before your throne. You are soveriegn. I desire you. All I need is you Lord. I love your presence. Sweet presence. I surrender, and I trust you. I am your child, yours. I long to feel your presence, constantly, surrounding, engulfing my spirit. Spill out from me uncontained, tainting everything, and everyone in site.

I want to love
Forgive
heal
give
love
feed the poor
clothe the naked
reach the unreached with your love
touch the untouchable with your love
love those who despise me
rescue the broken
release the prisioner
dance

May your spirit in me, do things things and more, I ask.

You hold the universe, the nations, everyone on earth.

How glorious, how beautiful. O father I cry out to you. And you hear.

Be glorified Today.

it's okay

I'm calm, and then I get anxious. And then calm again. It's going to be fine. Just fine, Okay anita? Okay.

Love you I do. I always will.

a new launch

I did it. I created a site for my photography. It'll be a work in progress but here it is!


www.lamourfoto.com

excitement...!

Ok, I'm excited. I'm thankful. I'm excited for several reasons. One being I'm quiting my waitressing job soon, like in 3 weeks. So thankful for this job, and the people I've met, but I ready to start something new. Yay!

I'm going to Montreal soon, and Thailand soon after that.

On a side note: My hair is getting longer, and it's natural.

Tomorrow I'm sharing about two loves of mine, India, and Thailand. And I just made some zucchini bars tonight, they're hot out of the oven. I'll share them with Chai tomorrow.

I just got my first wedding photography gig. AND I'll get paid!!! It's not sealed yet, but I'm super excited about this. Just the opportunity to be creative, and for others to trust me with thier day. Expect some pretty photos!!

And lastly, I'm happy about the idea. I'm letting myself be excited about the possibility and the hope, of you and I. Honestly I am. You've always made me happy. I've missed you.

Maybe we will start talking again. My heart hopes for this, and it makes me excited. This is my favorite excitement of them all

I'm learning to be balanced. This isn't extreme. Life isn't either fantastic or pragmatic. Sometimes it just is. It is has just been.
I'm finding the small joys in life, and learning to just flow with it.

time moves on......

Man O man, it's August. It's a friday, and I'm off to work in a short while.

I'm ready for new.

For change.

Something good and true.

Someone that puts my heart at ease, and the world back in place again.

I guess I'll wait.

I just ate some blueberry yogurt with chopsticks. YUM, it was paired with some Honduran coffee. Double Yum.

wine

I have this dream that one day I will travel to Europe and go wine tasting all through France and Italy. Even Napa Valley would be a delight.
I have taken on the art of learning about wine. I am by far not an expert. I'll keep learning. It is something I knew really nothing about, and was always intimidated by. I knew there was red and there was white, that's about it. I even once thought that the winemaker's label was the actual type of wine! I knew nothing about the variations of grapes or the regions in which they grow. I'm stubborn, and I just decided one day to learn about it.I'm enjoying every second. The ironic thing is this, next to the house I grew up in, is a thriving winery and farm market that has developed in the last years. Their wine is crap though. I don't drink all that often, and if I do, it's just purly for enjoyment. Yes, I am a light weight and I am proud of it. It's more fun to enjoy wine with friends, right now I am mostly just enjoying it by myself, that's just because I'm kind of lonely now a days. When I visited my friends in Washington state not too long ago, we went wine tasting the nearby vineyards. It was fantastic! Getting to taste all the different kinds, and testing my pallet. Figuring out what I like and don't like. I even bought several books on wine.
This is what I know that I like: and I'm sure it will constantly change as I taste more and more.

I really enjoy both red and white wine. Preferably white. I like a sweeter wine, but not too sweet that all I taste is honey. I'm also not a huge fan of Champaign- a little too dry for my taste.

White Wine:

White wines are typically less complicated than reds because of the effect tannin has on red wines. Therefore, white wine can be enjoyed whenever and where ever the mood strikes you. White wines can make an excellent appetizer or before dinner drink instead of a cocktail. They are also the least likely to offend the palate of a novice wine drinker.

My top 4 are as following:

Gewürztraminer
Vouvray
White Zinfindel (yes, its a white and i love the bold watermelon burst!)
Riesling

Whites I want to taste:
Verdelho
Torrontés
Viognier


Red Wine:

Red wine is usually intended to be consumed with a meal instead of on its own. The bold flavors and characteristics (compared to most whites), will stand up to and sometimes complement flavorful foods. But often a good red wine can be enjoyed all by itself.

Red wine will really shine when it is served at the proper temperature. If the temperature is too cold, the subtle flavors and textures will be lost. If the temperature is too warm, the wine will taste somewhat flat and totally non-refreshing.

My top 4 are as following:

Shiraz (Australiian)
Malbec
Grenache/Garnacha
Merlot

Reds I want to taste:
Tempranillo
Carmenere

Reds I somewhat dislike:
Cabernet Sauvingnon
Beaujolais
Pinot Noir

Here's to vino, and many more years of tasting!

where's the class?

Seriously. Where has the class gone? if I may say it was ever there. Where is the culture? The authenticity, the originality?

Something true and organic. Beautiful music, lovely wine, great food, class. Where is the good music you can dance to? Have we forgetten about Ella and Louis? Salsa music that makes you get up out of your chair. Good 80's & 90's music. I mean come on! I know this may sound like a rant, and frankly it is.

If and when, I know it will be classy.

Organic
True
Pure
Simple
Full of love, joy, and peace.
Unique to its core.


This really shouldn't matter, but it does. And it is bothering me. I don't like to feel judged, not fit into the mold of what people think I should be, or what I feel they expect. I simply don't care. I am who I am, and I love myself. I always want to grow and become a better person in this world. And love. I want to love unconditionally. Do we not really know who we are, or what we want in life, that we must copy others ideals, traditions, and live out the expectations of others. Just because it is the way it is done? That is an absurd way of living. I used to live like that, and if we are honest, I think we all have. Trying to please others, but I'm over it. I'm free. I like being free and dancing to my own beat. In a way I always have, and I always want to.

To each its own.
Be yourself.
Be genuine.
Be gracious.
Be.

I'm an old soul. I should have been born in the 1930's.

Show me some class.
Slow dance the way a slow dance was meant to dance to.......The classy way of course.

Today I went to a wedding. Five years ago today I went to a wedding.
You were there at that wedding. It was lovely and classy. You and I sat next to each other. I liked it.

Just so you know, to me, you're classy.

the land of smiles {ประเทศไทย}

October 3....


I'm flying to Thailand for a couple weeks.


Very excited I am!


ฉันจะออกไปในความสุข ฉันจะคิดถึงเธอ คุณเป็นส่วนหนึ่งของฉันและของประเทศไทย

chocolate cake

Disclaimer: This is my aunt Pheobe's chocolate cake recipe. It is the best chocolate cake I've ever had! I'm serious. I think if you don't even like chocolate, you would marvel at this. I'll share a piece with you when I make it! I think it would taste divine with some fresh espresso.

Ingredients:
7 eggs, separated
1/2 cup baking cocoa
3/4 cup boiling water
1-3/4 cups cake flour
1-3/4 cups sugar
1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

In a bowl, combine cocoa and water until smooth; cool for 20 minutes. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking soda and salt. (Tip: the recipe calls for cake flour but if you want to use all purpose flour, subtract 3 tablespoons and 1-1/2 teaspoons.) Add the oil, egg yolks, vanilla, and cocoa mixture. Beat until well blended.

In another large bowl and with clean beaters, beat egg whites and cream of tartar on high speed until stiff peaks form. It should look something like this.
Gradually fold into chocolate mixture.

Pour batter into an ungreased 10-in. tube pan. Bake on lowest rack at 325° for 60-65 minutes or until top springs back when lightly touched. Immediately invert pan; cool completely.

The icing! doubling what the original recipe recommends is a good idea. This way, it covers the entire cake and leaves a little left over....

Icing:
2/3 cup butter
4 cups powdered sugar
4 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled
3 teaspoons vanilla extract
6 tablespoons hot water

Melt butter in a saucepan. (Or the microwave.) Remove from the heat; stir in the powdered sugar, chocolate, vanilla and water. Drizzle over cake.

Bonn Appetite!

Restoration

To Restore = the act of restoration

Return to its original or usable functioning condition.
Regenerate, return to life, get or give new life or energy.
To give or bring back.
Repair: Restore by replacing a part or putting together that which is torn or broken.
Bring back to original existence.
To reestablish, or bring back into existence.
Bring back to a previous condition or state.
To give back.
To return to original state.
To get well, to heal, to put back., rebuild, renew, rejuvenate
Redeem
Reclaim
Retrieve
Recover
Deliver
Heal
Replace
To put in complete repair

This word has been on my mind and heart recently.
"I will restore" I'm not really sure what it means, but this was spoken to me 3 months agon. My spirit attests to this.

Last night, I went to a house church with some new friends. Very wonderful, I was a bit tired, but it felt good to be in the company of others, and in community. It has been awhile.

My friend Susan calmly, boldly speaks quiestly to me while we were worshiping. She knows nothing really about my state, where I am at, anything. I love her heart for the world.

She says Anita, I don't do this, but I see a picture for you. I see something so perfect, like clear glass, like a glass slipper from cinderella. It is perfect and pure. It is so beautiful and so good. It was created to shine, but now it is diteriating, it's not completely destroyed, just the top, but it is not meant to be that way. It is meant to be whole, beautiful and restored.

She says the word that is coming to me is "restoration."

Restoration.

And then she prayed for me.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and for your promises.
I believe you will restore, my heart, our hearts.
I believe, help my unbelief.

Thank you, Father.

now i really found a place!

Scratch the first post when I said I found a place in the old city of Montreal. I will cancel my reservation for that place, for I needed to find a second place as well.... on top of that, O man is this confusing, anyway, I found a better apartment super close to the school and it will suffice much better. AND it's cheaper, fancy that! SO, I shall go to Montreal and stay there. I like this very much. My heart is happy.


Bonjour!

i can't wait for september...there's just something about that month.

because I'm a romantic at heart, and i like this

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
Louis de Bernieres


Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

I think I found a place!!!!!

Yes, That's right. I found a place in Montreal to stay. Its safe, cozy and quaint. Right where I need it to be. I've seriously gotten headaches trying to find a place. I feel like I've looked on EVERY site or viewed every option available, until this guest house popped out of nowhere. I think Montreal is one of the most expensive cities, really. I guess the location in Mont Royal, and the Plateau area is more urban, and therefore more expensive. It will save me to be in that area and walk everywhere. hopefully!

I found a lovely old teapot from India that other day. It makes me smile.

Someday I'll use it.

South China Sea

I want to see the South China Sea.

I want to see your heart once again, exposed.

You see, I want you to be happy and at peace.

I want to climb a mountain, and rest at the top.

I want to leave this waiting room, and sail off to the South China Sea with you.

Yes, the green South China Sea.

Or just stay here. No matter where, if only you were by my side.

This isn't how it is supposed to be.

Weary I am.

I came home to you. With joy I gave you my heart, and now it is hanging out to dry.
That was silly of me.

I want to sail off to the South China Sea.

a dream is all

Dirty dishes in the sink. Full warm bellies. An empty bottle of wine. Sweet kisses. Saturday evening. No worries, no fears. Only reality. Or maybe a stroll down the way, or a night of dancing and laughter with friends. Then you and I would leave and go home, to our home. Our love is sweet, and good. Comforting to our souls. Please tell me you'll stay. Forever and never leave. Because I want to savor today, and fall asleep to your song. Until we are 80.

This is all I want, really.

To love and be loved freely.

What peace and joy to awake, knowing you are loved fully. Completely. for who you are, and not someone you want to become, or silly ideals. And to love someone the same with grace flowing. All the nitty and gritty. Flaws and our best sides that we like to show. Love will cover it all, I believe. Hard work no doubt, but two individuals devoted to making it work through anything. A team, really. Moving through life, loving, learning, and enhancing each others worlds. Becoming one.

My heart aches, all the way to my fingertips. This sorrow is painful, misery creeps in and wants to stay. O pain why won't you go away?

Tonight, I am alone, just like every other night. And you are some where out there in this world. Please be safe OK? We will meet when the time is right.

I can't wait to share my life with you, whoever your are, and fall asleep to our song.

michigan pride has taken root, and hasn't left

A Michigan Summer, I miss you.
Beaches & Sand Duns, Noshville, fireflies, conversations, community.

A Monday morning in Thailand.
Loud Thai TV, intimate conversations.
Hazelnut lattes, and my old computer.
Two hearts full of love, about to burst.
I think back with fond memories.

Hazy Indian Mornings, I miss you.

You, I miss you.

a twirl & a dance on a sunday morning

Hope

Love never fails.


And I smile.


Teach me Lord to be patient and wait, and hope in you alone.
I believe in you. How could I not?
You are faithful and true.
Forever you will be.

And I smile.

I hope.

I rest.

shout out!

A shout out to anyone who knows of a any affordable safe, simple housing arrangements in Montreal. I've been looking, and its a killer. Everything is expensive, even hostels for that amount of time. I'll be there September 6-20th. Thank you kindly,

Yours Truly,

Anita

bad day

Have you ever felt like the worst version of yourself? I feel like that X3, no X4. I had a bad day at work, I'm really tired, and tears are streaming down my face.
Why? May cow jai. Why is it getting harder? Adjusting to life here, I suck at it. I don't fit in, I feel like I have no life, no friends, and the worst part is, is that I'm choosing it to be this way. Even writing this out, I sound like a horrible selfish beast. I am so incredibly blessed, yet I am so unhappy.

I love travelling, going here and there, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing this being alone. EVERYTHING I do, or see or experience, reminds me of my poor state.

Why?

It seems its been easy for you to move on.

I'm a mess, and I'm going to go drink some tea, no wine.

tv & korea

So, I really don't watch much TV. But sometimes I do. Like on Thursdays. On Thursday nights, usually after I work a double I watch some Korean Soap/Dramas that are on the local TV station. Funny eh? I think so, and I love it. I was really following one during the winter, but the series ended, and now I'm trying to get into the one that is currently on the TV. Sometime I feel like I have no life.
Korea is cool.

พี สะเดิด - จี่หอย / pee saderd - Jee hoi

Man tong thon

Then the LORD answered me and said:

Write the vision, and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time, But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it.
Because surely it will come, It will not tarry.

Habakkuk 2: 2-3

Look among the Nations and watch- be utterly astounded; For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you.
Habakkuk 1: 5

On that day I will raise up the tabernacle of David, which has fallen down, and repair its damages; I will raise up its ruins, and rebuild it as in the days of oldl that they may possess the remnat of Edom. And all the Gentiles who are called by my name. Says the LORD, who does this thing.
Behold the days are coming, says the LORD, when the plowman shall overtake the reaper, and the treader of grapes him who sows seed; the mountains shall drip with sweet wine and all the hills shall flow with it.
I will bring back the captives of my people Isreal; they shall build waste cities and inhabit them. They shall plant vineyards and drink wine from them; They shall also make gardens, and eat fruit from them. I will plant them in thier land, and no longer shall they be pulled up from the land I have given them, says the LORD your God.
Amos 9: 11-15


...And it shall come to pass in that day, That the mountains shall drip with new wine, the hills shall flow with milk, and all the brooks of Judah shall be flooded with water; A fountain shall flow from the house of the LORD and water the valley of Acacias.
Joel 3: 18




I will heal thier backsliding, I will love them freely.
for my anger has turned away from him.
I will be like the dew to Israel; He shall grow like the lily, and lengthen his roots like Lebanon.
His branches shall spread; His beauty shall be like an olive tree, and his frangance like Lebanon. Those who dwell under his shadow shall return; They shall be revived like grain, and grow like a vine. Thier scent shall be like the wine of Lebanon.
Hosea 3: 4-7



Then the LORD will be zealous for his land, a pity for his people. The LORD will answer and say to his people; Behold I will send you grain and new wine and oil, and you will be satisfied by them; I will no longer make you a reproach among the nations.
Joel 2: 18-19

Fear Not, O land;
Be glad and rejoice, For the LORD has done marvelous things!
Do not be afraid, you beasts of the field; for the open pastures are springing up, and the tree bears its fruit;
the fig tree and the vine yeild their strength. Be glad then, you children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God; For he has given you the former rain faithfully, and he will cause the rain to come down for you-
The former rain, and the latter rain in the first month, The threshing floors shall be full of wheat,
And vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten...
Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, I am the LORD your God and there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame.
Joel 2: 21-27



Come let us return to the LORD; for he has tornm but he will heal us; He has stricken, but he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us;
On the third day he will raise us up, that we may live in his sight.
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD.
His going forth is established as the morning; He will come to us like the rain, like th latter and former rain on the earth.
Hosea 6:1-3

For then, I will restore to the peoples a pure language, that they all may call on the name of the LORD, to serve him with one accord.
Zephaniah 3: 9

Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines;
though the labor of the olive tree may fail; and the fields yeild no food;
though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls-
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and he will make me walk on my high hills.
Zephaniah 3: 17-19

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.


Sir Winston Churchill

Seth and Daisy May

Can I just say that I love love love the music that these two create. It's magical.
Take a listen. I would love to see them live someday. Even the neighbors in Thailand have heard their tunes in the streets. I'm obsessed.

http://www.sethandmay.com/

camera love

This evening I bought a new camera!!! I've been wanting to get a new/used camera for some time now. I got a great deal on it, and I think it will make me quite happy. I also bought a fixed 50mmf/1.8 II Camera Lens, which I'm thrilled about ^:^ Here she is...

If love was an ocean, or just lake michigan,
We'd better swim before we'd sink.

I miss your wit, your smile, and your love.

Maybe I sound like a loony, but honey I miss you.

You are fading, and this weight in my heart doesn't ease.

I want to take your hand, and start over.
We'd take our time.

Count your blessings while you can, and take your loved ones by the hand.

Lovely, sweet memories. The taste still lingers in my mouth. Letters of old, hold joy, truth, love, and dreams so decedent. Tucked away are they, treasured & stored. Can I tell you something? I'm afraid to read them again. I'm afraid because I don't want to hold one too tightly, or hope in ignorance. We must live this day, and be here now.

I fell hard for you. You were my first love.
I hope you get to where you are going.

i'm a processor, so what?

This blog, this year, is definitely a way to channel my thoughts and process much. I wonder what it will look like in a year, or two? I don't know of anyone who reads this, and I kind of like that. It has been an interesting last 6 months. Adjustments. Difficult. lonely. I just wonder why life happens the way it does, you know? Twists in ways you never thought it would twist.

Why am I so stubborn? I love my stubbornness. It's a good virtue.



Someone once wrote me this:

"Anita, every ounce of stubbornness in your head is matched one hundred fold by that of your priceless heart. You leave an indelible mark on everyone you meet, and all are better for it."

Maybe all I really wanted to say is that I miss you.

It's Sunday! A happy Sunday to all.

Aye aye aye aye aye


Salome



Aye aye aye aye aye!

i just want to DANCE...

i will love you until the stars fall out of the sky

Maybe I know you, maybe I don't. Maybe you're a friend, perhaps a stranger. But this is for you, and in the right time we will be.

As the autumn burst with color,

then withers into bleak and cold.

The cold will melt

Spring will bloom new life, and rain will soak the ground.

Summer will cast it's warmth and rays

And then color, reds, orange, yellow, blue, even blue! will peak again.

Whether in the desert, or in a village with dirt floors and a humble hut. By the river or by the sea. In an airplane, in the back of a taxi, on a bicycle, or by foot. In a large city with lots of charm, or glam. In a serene forest where I'm all alone, or surrounded by loved ones.

Still I will love you.

You see my love, I think we were created to be.

I will love you until the stars fall out of the sky.

I am so blessed. Happy to have been where I've been, and loved the people I've loved.

sandy beach

I want to go to the BEACH.....

hopefully. Maybe maybe maybe it will work out!

Last minute plans with the family that would just be fantastic. (by the way I love the word fantastic)

Here's to hoping I'm not scheduled a ton next week, and I can put up minuses or take some pluses. ( side note: I have a great job to be able to do that)

Miracles do happen.

I love me some beach anytime.

home

Lately I've been thinking about home. For me my home is many places. It's where I feel safe, safe, connected, and comfortable. It's in Michigan, India, and Thailand. With people I can be freely myself. It's all about people I guess. I am "home" right now, in the house I grew up in, on the street, in the town, but I'm not connected, and I'm not flourishing. This will always in a way be home, but I know it won't. My time here is only for a season.

I believe we can make, and create a home. I can't really define it, but I have this strong desire to create a home. Even if I would move from here to there, I want to create a home with someone. We would even have a tangible place that we call "home, can can come back home to. Does this make any sense? Probably not, and that is fine. I created this blog to write and process, not for tons of eyes to read and judge me.

I'm ready. In a way I'm tired of being flighty, and free.

In light of eternity, the earth is not our home. Beautiful when you really think about it. A longing for heaven, and our creator. Our time that we are entrusted with here is short.

Eternity is forever.

The truth is, I know my free-spirit will always drive me, and my stubbornness will always ground me.

chow

the answer is not to fly to tibet, or become a nun

even though i want to, often.

I want to be real.

You. I don't understand you. I really don't. What are you living for? I've tried, but I'm wanting to stop trying. I think it's too confusing, and it hurts my neck.

You see, when I look back, I remember only unending joy, love, the good times. But my heart aches in ways I've never known it could. Why? Does yours ache too? Or are you numb to life now. Maybe it's my time now to love, but love with restraint and patience. Patience?!

I went to this one place. It was lovely. But I saw you all over the city, like a dream that haunted me once I woke up.

I see your face around town, all the time. God, you're not perfect, but all I see is you. I walk into a pub in an airport, and see a baseball game being played between two particular cities. It seemed like every cafe I walked into played a song that you once sent me. Mundane pieces of life remind me of letters and conversations we shared. I see an old couple, and it grips my heart, and then tears well up in my eyes, because I could picture us.

I hope you're moving on.

Please forget me.

Why do I feel so much? Care so much. Think too much. Am I too much?

No, I'm a gem. I'm one of a kind. I will wait for someone out there who will be faithful, constant, and who will stand by their words. It's a shame, because I'm already gone.

change

Change can be a beautiful thing.

it shifts you, molds you, and refines you.

Looking back, I never thought I would be where I am at right now. I thought I would be at a completely different place, I was prepared for different than this. But it is not yet time.

Why do tears come at the weirdest times, and grasp me like they do. I want to be done being sad. Jesus, you are good.

God, you have a purpose, a plan, and it's beautiful. Even if I don't see all the details, I trust.

I'm going to Montreal this weekend. I'm excited, but it's going to be difficult. It's so ironic in a way. Why is life so funny some times?

I've got to learn some French.

there's nothing on earth like the piano

nicaragua

I stumbled upon these photos today. Man, my mom and dad are amazing! I have so much respect for them. In the 70's my mom went to Nicaragua and spent a couple years serving as a nurse doing Voluntary service, way out in the boondocks in a town called Hinotega. That's were she met my dad, who was living there as well doing community development in the community of Matagalpa. They got married (surprise) in the states, and then went back to Central America for a few more years before they moved back to the states to raise their family. I have heard so many stories as a little girl growing up, and to this day I have been influenced by their hearts for people and this world. They were the first out of their families for generations to travel outside of the US. Now you wonder where I get it from! I love these pictures. To me they speak of simplicity, purity, and calm. I love how they look like hippies as well.

"my soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from him."

Pslam 62:5

You will do these things, and even greater.
We were destined for great things. We were not made to be broken.

Wait. I will restore.

God, I put my hope and trust in you alone. Fill me, use me, and teach me how to love, and give grace, as you have given me. I thank you, for your love transforms hearts, heals brokenness, and makes all things new. I look ahead, forgetting all that's in the past, and seek to love boldly by your word and spirit.

a list

Twenty ten

Learn French(as a fourth language.....)
Live in Canada
Start and complete something
Watch the sunrise & sunset on the beach
Visit Thailand
refurnish an old piece of furniture
Save money
give one thing away a day
compose a song
learn to play guitar better
re-learn old classical pieces of music on the piano
become an expert on wine

life { things I want to do before I die...it contains things I wrote long ago, most recently updated*}

Visit the Himalaya mountains again, and Trek in Nepal
Travel all through Europe
pierce my nose*O5
Visit many places in Asia
Become a Barista, and learn all things coffee *12
Get married. Only if he is the right one for me, my best friend & the love of my life *11
Publish a coffee table book of photography {not a cheesy one}
Sail on a boat
Visit Varanasi, and BKK with my husband someday
see the red brick building in chicago
live debt free. always.
visit the tea hills in Darjeeling
create a home somewhere *11
learn how to drive stick shift*O6
Get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it.
not own a house
take dance lessons
go to the zoo, and spend all day there
write a letter to the editor
become a mother someday
write a book, don't worry about getting it published. so what!
surprise someone
hitch hike
see the northern lights
Accept myself for who I am
go to an island somewhere*O9
go to a drive in movie theatre
smoke one full cigarette *11
own a pug
spend New Year's Eve in NYC
fly somewhere on standby
sleep on the beach
watch Casablanca
learn sign language
learn Pennsylvania Dutch
own a convertible*O6
sleep on a roof under the stars*O5
prepare for, and run a marathon
send a message in a bottle
fall deeply in love*O8 *11
learn how to use chopsticks*O5
visit P.E.I
create a map room with all my maps
dye my hair all colors*
learn how to knit* O9
live in a one room apartment, specifically with a squatty*O8
live in the middle of a city somewhere. right downtown.
learn how to make sushi*O8
go wine tasting in Napa valley, France, and Italy (Italy*11)
learn how to crochet*10
learn how to play the violin
learn how to give Thai massage*O9
learn how to cut hair..for real*O9
visit Niagara falls
buy an old typewriter*10
learn how to change a tire
grow a papaya tree to make somtam
visit Montreal*10
teach English as a second language*O9
visit Istanbul
create and cultivate a garden
make apple cider
take a road trip through the New England States
host many dinner parties, and make use of all my chopsticks, and dinnerware I've saved for a destined time.
live in Asia*O7-O9
learn how to drive a motorcycle*O8
watch a live hockey game
learn Thai*O7-O9
ice skate on a country pond
read the idiot*O8-O9
travel to Nicaragua
visit South America
visit a coffee farm & help harvest the coffee
Go to Africa and love*O4

Wondergirls-Nobody(korean)

sek loso som sarn

always makes me smile

O my goodness. Lots has happened recently, Ok maybe not lots, but a bit has happened. I went to Seattle to visit my bestie Connie 2 weeks ago. I had a blast! Love that city; the food, the coffee, the wine. Vino is the best.

Now I'm working, working, working. From now all the way through the summer, I need to work everyday, all day. It's called saving. Saving for whats next. I'm blessed to have this job, but sometimes I get tired of serving food.

In two weeks, I'm going to Montreal for 3 days. I'm SUPER excited about this. I'm exploring some options regarding school this fall. I need to step it up on my french skills. They are seriously lacking right now. No worries, I'll learn French eventually.

My parents just put their house on the market for sale. My parents have never moved. I was born and raised in this home. I love our home. It is sad to me, but I am excited for what is next for them.

I smell change a coming.

A cold has come, and I now have a tickle in my throat. I dislike this.

Today it felt like SUMMMER! So warm, so breezy, so lovely. I had a picnic, I called my friend Ashley, and she came and joined me. It was delightful.


Everyday I miss you. Everyday. I thought that it would get easier, and in ways it has, but it really hasn't. I think you're a gem, and one of a kind. You've made my life a happier one, just by being in it. if only for a chapter. It was a beautiful, exciting, and lovely chapter of my life.

I wish you the best, and I'm very excited for what lies in store for you. I genuinely happy for you.

As I'm moving on, I hope you are too.

kindred spirits

True friends are ones to hold on to. I love these two so. Yesterday we leisurely cooked, tasted wine, and just spend quality time together. LOVE!

wine

I'm determined to become an expert on wine. Say what you want, but I shall. I am reading books, tasting, and enjoying it all.

Time

Sometimes opportunities in life pass you by, and they never come again.

Distance and time. Six months. Before that four, and then 14 months of bliss, glorious bliss but there were oceans of distance, literally. Before that beauty, 23 months of silence, and then 15 months of something before that. At the beginning it was just normal, 24 months of normal. odd but normal I guess.

I like to measure time in months, in case you haven't noticed.

Whoever says relationships aren't complicated is wrong.

I want to find a normal, together with you.

Sometimes love just takes time.

Time.

What's another 6 months? What will happen in 6 months? I have no idea.

Fancy this...I'm moving on.

fairest lord jesus

I love the following hymn.

Fairest Lord Jesus, ruler of all nature,
O thou of God and man the Son,
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor,
thou, my soul's glory, joy, and crown.

Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands,
robed in the blooming garb of spring:
Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer
who makes the woeful heart to sing.

Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight,
and all the twinkling starry host:
Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
than all the angels heaven can boast.

Beautiful Savior! Lord of all the nations!
Son of God and Son of Man!
Glory and honor, praise, adoration,
now and forevermore be thine.

english

Maybe I'll teach English as a Foreign language. Yeah, I think I'll do that. I'm excited about where this could lead me. The possibilities. I've always thought that I should do this, but never took the actions to become certified.
It's just common sense, and preperation for whatever may come.

normal

Have you ever thought too much? Thoughts like waves crash in my mind, without ceasing.

The last two days I was in Columbus. Which reminded me of that one time, and then you. And all those nice friends I met five years ago.

Columbus to me is like a piece of home. I don't know it well, but it is comforting. It will always be there.

This morning I hugged and kissed my nephew goodbye. Six hours later I stilled smelled his sweet smell on my sweatshirt. He melts my heart.

I drove home. It was snowing, I slid around a little on the highway. I drank way too much coffee. At a gas station a lady asked about the sheep and misspelled lettering on my sweatshirt. I sang a little, cried a lot, and just tried to come to terms with life. It's OK that I'm just OK right? Maybe less then OK. I'm not brilliant, nor fantastic, sometimes I feel like a failure. This numbness weighs on my heart. Please go away.

I'm in Ohio. I went to work tonight. I don't really like my job, but it's a job, no?

Don't know why I even write on here. It's like medicine to my heart though. Very much so. It's funny how I process my thoughts out in different ways. I'm learning some ways are better than others.

I've payed too many bills the last few months. I guess this is life. But is it?

Thailand will always be special to me. You know this. I really love that place. It's as if so many places and people have become home to me in different ways. And I've said goodbye to them. I've left, or they've left me. And then I'm just here, wherever here is. Trying to figure out a normal, a balance. O and there is this place called India, and a place called Michigan.

I miss you Varanasi. I miss you Grand Rapids.

I hate goodbyes. Hellos are better than goodbyes.

Today it's Thailand. I miss you very much. The smells, the streets, the outside view of my four apartments that I called home. I miss my friends. I miss laughing with them, meeting up for dinner on a Friday night at Little big; where we would summarize our days, share languages, eat sun dried pork, and tom yam gung, and sip on strawberry tea until our bellies hurt. We would stroll down the street, and shop a little in the humid air before hoping on a bus or whatever to go home. That was normal. So normal.

Knitting a hat to pass the time in traffic. That was normal.
Standing on a bus so tight between gross wet bodies, or sitting on the hot motor in the front of the bus.
Bucket showers. Just plain cold water.
sqwatty potties.
those brooms made with dried grass.
Big C, Lotus, central, and how it is pronounced centan.
giving up my seat to the elderly, a child, or a monk.
ants. pomello. rambutan. pineapple, and the pineapple cores from the lady in samroong. She would save them for me, and get excited if she saw me coming. Unripe mango with chili and sugar.
Sausages, and fish balls on sticks and in bags.
Loud Internet cafes. I learned all the latest pop songs going to those faithfully.
big spoons. outrageous shorts and t-shirts. 7-11. clashing colors.
Wanna and Utais sushi.
visa runs, and hot van taxis.
Issan music.
slipping your shoes off gracefully.
Likit Jet, and those sweet and bad kids.
siting on the floor until your legs were numb.
Those school uniforms, and teenage chatter on the songteaws, and skytrain.
The Soi Manghon market, where the ground is dirt and uneven. Fresh produce, grilled fish, spicy curries, and overwhelming smells. I once found a pair of used shoes there for B20.
crossing the dark highway at night dodging traffic. Go with a group of people, it is safer and more fun.
Iced cafe yen from the street. All super sweet with that condensed milk.
The ongoing construction on sukhumwit.
Bus 365 -the green one, 116- the old white and blue one, 132, the old one, and then the new yellow one which made life nice. 544, 545 both blue with those disgusting curtains. Only 544 ran past Sea nakarin and Nam Daeng, and sometimes they would make you get off early if you were the only one, and because they were lazy to go the extra distance.
Yellow on Mondays, pink on Tuesdays.....
big smiles, polite and shallow conversation.
baby powder, beer, and water to celebrate the new year
the grand coffee boy, air conditioning, hazelnut lattes, and long long conversations. It was a piece of heaven.
cheesy humor
Thai TV and Karaoke
Polo shirts
fresh seafood, and picking at a whole fish in the center of a table.
sharing your food all the time.
my neighbors curious ears, and big hearts.
pink and purple, and green plastic.
sleeping on the floor with my fan.
plastic bags and straws.
walking on the left, and walking slow.
seeing pain, brokenness, and hopelessness everywhere.
getting rides from motorcycle taxi drivers who were high.
the added salt in orange juice.
splashing water on myself to cool down.
hats, and gloves and long shirts to cover up in the sun.
my courageous friends who gave up much, living in a place they hated to provide for their families, yet always gave, always cared.
the king.


This all became normal.

Change, O God that word. I crave it in my life, but once I have it I somehow despise it. Every place is a treasure, Going from one place to another can be an adjustment and lonely, but I don't like the term culture shock. It's a shock to what? I don't want to compare this or that.

Yeah, I adjusted to that culture, and now again to another culture, my own. But it's my own so it's easy right? It's comfortable, but I don't know if I like comfortable. That place became normal and comfortable, and this place is normal, and countless things and ways in India became normal. They have all changed me. So how do I live true? Maybe it's that you constantly expand, grow and never stop learning from your experiences. I hope I've done this. I love deeply, and embrace much, and I fail. But I'm still me.

Anita.

In every place, I believe beauty can be found. I want to observe it, give to it, take from it, and flourish with the knowledge and truth of it. But there is pain in life too, and it can grip us as well. Sometimes break us down. This is life I guess. What is love without feeling, friendship without heart, or joy without sorrow.

A Home. Wherever that would be, I'm ready to create a home. Maybe mostly I'm ready for a friend, a constant friend who will never leave, and someone I will never leave. We would be together, move and change, but we would be together through all kinds of experiences. Maybe you don't know or trust me fully, but I know me. I'm not perfect, in fact I'm flawed; but I'm a treasure, I'm one of a kind.

I've got no idea what I am doing, or where I am going. I've got no plans. These are just my thoughts that are tumbling around in my head.

I am learning to be more honest with myself and others. I've always been honest, but I'm learning to be more intentionally honest. I feel like I've lived some of my life in a happy bubble, and at some point it burst. I want to be honest when life sucks, feel pain, and embrace it. I want eternal joy to be my delight. I'm realizing it's normal to feel something other than joy sometimes. If this is what it takes. I embrace it.

simple living

I'm trying to be more healthy, to live more simply and sincerely.

I can't wait for spring. I can't wait to wear skirts and t-shirts, and drive with my windows down, or go take a bike ride. I want to find an old bike to ride around.

I'm moving on.

Right now it is snowing, again you say? Yes indeed.

Spring, please come soon.

Thank you warmly and kindly,

Anita

is it just me?

Or do you like to jam out in the car? I love love love doing this. I didn't realize how much I love doing this until I could drive again here in the States. It's my favorite. I like listening to the radio for news, other than that, it's all about music for me, all kinds.

I love driving in silence too; that's priceless, but mostly I love having music on in the car. Even if it's a short distance, or a long road trip. When I am alone, it's usually as loud as my car can take, but with others I'm more sensitive. And I like singing at the top of my lungs with it. There's nothing like it. I know I'm silly, but try it sometime if you haven't, although I'm sure you have sometime in your life. It's wonderful!

On a side note; Indian rickshaw whallas know how to jam out to music. If you ever take a ride with them, it's intense.

Tomorrow I am going on a little road trip alone, and I'm super excited about the music I will rock out to.

legacy

You may tire of my musings on love, but I shall still write. I am no expert, and I won't pretend to be. I am learning something about love, and I want to share some truths I have found. My idea of love has been challenged the last few months. If our love if sincere, isn't that a start?
Love is beautiful, but it is not a feeling or solely a sensation. I've always had this uneasiness with the term " to fall in love", and then people "fall out of love? I don't get it. Of course being in love can be beautiful and feel sensational, but I think it's a small piece of something greater; the sacredness, beauty, and commitment of true love. The highest expression of this is the sacred union of marriage. What greater example did Christ leave, than his unconditional love for the church. How absurd that our culture has ingrained this fleeting love as truth to what love is into our society, our minds. I have seen this manifested in different ways in different cultures as well. The truth is love is a choice; and it can be painful, complicated, messy actually. It goes beyond our ideals. Sincere love endures. It endures much, it always hopes, always perseveres; love never fails. If we do not truly know a sincere love from firstly our creator, and others, how can we love without this example? It is selfless, unconditional.

Both sets of my grandparents have been married for over 60 years. 60 years, I can hardly fathom this! For me to see their love still shine in their old age tugs at my heart. Life has not always been easy for them, many trials have come, and they are not perfect, but their commitment and love to each other have endured. It was living out their commitment to each other everyday. Their example and legacy they will leave when they are gone will always be an inspiration to me.

I want to leave a legacy here on this earth. I want my inner beauty to shine. The love, joy and peace of Jesus to cascade from within my soul tainting everything in site, for the glory of something greater than this earth. I want to love, not with a love that fades and withers like a flower when the cold strikes, but with faithfulness and intimacy. Maybe someday I will have the chance to receive this kind of love from another, and to love freely and give of myself in return. I want to love, to share the joys and pain of life, and grow old and gray with another. I want us to shuffle down the street holding hands, noticing birds together in our eighties.

I love you. Simply for who you are. You are a beautiful person and an inspiration. This life is fleeting, don't be naive. I tell myself this often. Today I chose to love with sincerity, and gentleness; expecting nothing of gain. Anything less would be conditional. And selfish.

Seattle and Sushi

Today I worked, and when I got out of work I went to visit my friend Kay at the Market Place. She is Thai, and we spoke for a while in Thai. It was glorious speaking and listening in this language again. I love it. While I was there, I got inspired, I bought sushi rice and seed weed wraps from her stand to make sushi. Now mind you, the sushi I made was not really sushi, more like vegetarian sushi. I had fun making it in the kitchen, I made quite a mess, but it hit the spot for my craving for sushi. I never used to care for sushi but living in Thailand has changed this. It wasn't the loveliest sushi ever, but I liked.

On a side note...I am going to SEATTLE!

I just bought my ticket. I'm super excited to visit some people I love dearly, and to travel to a city I've have never been to.
I've heard grand and lovely things about this city, I can't wait to see and explore it.

old to new

My beloved laptop is sadly finished. I've loved that thing, it's been all over the world, but it's just falling apart, in more ways than one. I didn't want to buy a new one and have been putting it off... but at last I gave in. I'm currently writing on a new one that I purchased, it just came in the mail today. It's very lovely, but I'm being sentimental about giving up my old one.

cold {นาว}

It's currently cold, cold cold. Three degrees, yikes! I'm sipping on some delicious coffee, while I look out my window at the bright, crisp outdoors.
It's Monday, and I'm off to work.