sorrow

Things have changed. I have never known sorrow such as this. I'm learning to be more honest with myself and others.

Months of beauty, joy, letters, and longing swelled with love. Our love grew higher and wider and deeper; like a willow tree. Time passed so quickly. It always did with you and I. O how I enjoyed it. You were my best friend. I am thankful for those months, those miles.

Our future, looked beautiful to our eyes, like a blurry picture painted and displayed in the distance. We saw it an were amazed, terrified, yet filled with joy. We began walking together, in step towards it. Maybe too fast, but it was real and true. Perhaps the most real thing I have ever experienced.

Then in late October, on that cool evening, we met once again. Seeing you that first time, and feeling your arms around me, will always be a lovely, defining memory in my mind. I never felt so loved, cherished, or adored.

In that one week, so much unfolded. At first, joy and peace cascaded over everything. It was just a crazy week. Then everything just seemingly fell apart. Ideals, expectations not met. I don't want to base anything on it, but look where we are at. I see things differently now. Life isn't a fairytale, it's life. Life is mediocre at times, and not always extremes, I must embrace this. I'm learning. Ever since I was a little girl, I have lived in the extremes. And I'm stubborn like no other, sometimes to a fault.

We are only human. We don't deserve anything, everything is a gift in this life. It is his grace and love and pulls us out. I'm sorry for losing sight of this truth. The truth is, we will always be human and possess nothing without the saving grace of Jesus. We love him, because he first loved us.

It ended before it really began. For this my heart is sorrowful.

I have hope, if there isn't hope in this world where would we be? I know this is my bright side coming forth, but I've been jaded, miserable, and unhappy for so long.

At first, I scrambled to find answers to questions that pounded in my head. Justice I wanted. I grew anxious, bitter, and tears became my food. When this ceased, I desired surrender, a desire to move on.

I let go, but I still hope. Even as I am doing this, I find tears falling most everyday. You're gone, and your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle, everything I do is stitched with its color.

I see no timeline, I've got no plans. Maybe our friendship could deepen, and we could see what comes. I want to get to know you again, and for you to know me. I want to laugh, drink, dance, and just be. I want to love, learn, and fall, but in falling to get back up more gracefully each time. It would be a risk, but with time and care, I think our love could organically grow and shine again.

It could take another 7 years, I could care less; as long as it was with you. You see, I just want you. But it's not about what I want. Time is needed to wait and allow. I believe there is a purpose in all of this. I'm learning to trust, and I think I'll be just fine.

Still I still think of you in most every situation.

God, you are the only faithful one. In light of my mistakes, my ugly filth, my imperfections, your grace and truth still shines. I know that you are for me. I know you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. You are a God who restores, and heals. You must always be my first love. I place you as this, and may you always be.